My Story | G.
Using letters in place of our names makes me feel like I’m in a spy movie, which excited me quite a bit. It’s also nice to have the option to maintain my anonymity.
As a graduate of FHU, I understand quite well the bubble mindset. If you’d spoken to me in my early teenage years, I would’ve been on the very conservative end of the bubble. That time, my friends, is what I like to refer to as my “denial stage.”
Denial was a big part of my vocabulary for a long time. I don’t think I was ever of the mindset that if I rejected my feelings they would simply “go away.” I think I just figured if I didn’t accept my feelings, it would be easier for me to resist any temptation that would come along to act on those feelings.
Here I am: a bisexual woman. I’m finally comfortable saying that to myself.
I’m willing to say I’ve only verbally confessed it to about five people, but it’s really not anyone’s business unless I want it to be. Being bisexual, I find that some days I’m more attracted to men, other days to women. Today is definitely a “woman” day. Today is the type of day that I once considered a “bad” day. Not because it was a literal bad day, but because my desire to be with a woman is at it’s peak on days like today, and some Christians don’t consider that a good or beautiful thing.
I’m sharing my story, albeit behind the mask of a letter, because us girls need to be spoken for as well. Future, current, alumnae…wherever you stand, you should know that you’re not alone. (And thank you to “M” for inspiring me to speak up, too.)
I was raised in the church. My moral code if firmly embedded in my cerebral cortex, and I’m certain it’s not going anywhere.
We’ll call her V.
V and I met freshman year. She was free in admitting her bisexuality. I hadn’t even said the word to myself at that point. I knew I was, but I thought it would “go away” if I didn’t admit it.
V and I hit it off quite well. The more time we spent together, the closer we became. I shared secrets and thoughts and opened up to her.There was a mutual attraction between us. There were a number of “almost kisses.” Think of when you were young and decided it would be fun to play “chicken.” You turn your head or pull back at the last second. It almost happens but it never does. Except that it did, and I wasn’t expecting it. There we were, just chatting away. Out of nowhere, V closed the gap and there it was, my first kiss with another woman—all that sexual tension released in one, fleeting moment. It was everything I imagined it would be and more. Her lips were incredibly soft and inviting. Not long after that, I, in a moment truly out of character, made a move and kissed her again. The second kiss was much more intense than the first.
Well, after that night, we settled back into our normal routine, but I found myself more drawn to her than ever. My infatuation only deepened after that moment. “Getting it out of my system” is definitely not what had happened. We didn’t even talk about what had happened. We just went back to being our friendly selves, but that didn’t last long either.
Long story short, I wound up in bed with her.
It’s all a bit of a blur to me now, but I do remember that she had experience and I most certainly did not. I also remember she took care of me. She calmed me and didn’t make me feel any sort of shame. She was lovely.
After that one night, it all ended. I’m not bitter about it. Sometimes, things happen and people grow apart. It took me a nice chunk of time, but I got over my infatuation. Still, the girl I knew then is special to me and whether I like it or not, she holds a piece of me.
This was a number of years ago, now. Since then, I’ve done a lot of growing and here is where I stand:
I am a Christian woman.
I am bisexual.
I accept that part of myself.
I understand that being bisexual is not something I can change.
It’s a huge part of my identity, and now that I have accepted it, I’m happier in my own skin.
I’ve learned to love every part of myself, every facet of me that makes me who I am. I’ve put my trust in God on a deeper level. God understands better than I ever will my struggles. I know that God will see me through whatever life hands me.
I want my fellow Freedies to know:
1) There’s nothing wrong with you.
2) You don’t have to be ashamed.
3) There are people who will/are/have graced that campus who are just like you.
4) I love you.
I may not know you, but I love you. You are an amazing person and no matter what anyone says, you can never be replaced. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone, even if it’s just one someone. It can make a world of difference and help you accept yourself.
Once you’ve done that, you can take on the world.